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Some days, I wake up and have a great peace about being pregnant. I feel optimistic and hopeful, confident about the future. I’m rested and feel ready to take on the day.
OTHER DAYS (ahem…most days)
there is a little cramp down in my abdomen, and I am too nauseous to drink as much water as I should, the little aches and pains make me wonder if the baby is okay, or if the pain means something is wrong and I am about to miscarry. How will my husband and I afford our medical bills for this whole baby business? I am quickly outgrowing my regular bras, how much will maternity bras cost? When should we buy a crib? I’m completely exhausted, how will I get through work today? Do we need a stroller? What if baby is born with defects? I HAVE SO LITTLE CONTROL OVER THIS WHOLE AFFAIR!
Navigating this completely new stage of my life…marriage, and now, pregnancy, is testing, and slowly expanding, my understanding of grace and the love and presence of God in my life.
When my husband and I got married, we agreed that we were excited and ready to have children whenever they came along, and this sweet baby “came along” in less than a month!
When I began to suspect we might be pregnant and took a test early one morning, the second line was very faint, but it was there. I climbed back into bed with my man and told him that my suspicions just might be correct, and we agreed,
This baby is God’s baby. We have no control over this pregnancy and choose to trust God with baby. It is HIS baby and HE will be responsible to take care of baby…so many things are out of our hands, but are very much in His hands. We choose to trust God.
Trust hasn’t exactly been my strong suit with God in the last few years, so this is a new starting point to work from. I am a control freak, and pregnancy (and, I’m sure, motherhood) is making me learn to accept the things that are out of my hands.
Living in the future – What if XYZ happens, How will we deal with it, Where will the money come from – takes away from my enjoyment of today.
When my brain starts to go crazy, I am working on asking myself,
Is there anything I can do about it right now?
If not, I just have to say a little prayer and let it go.
I believe there is grace for every moment, grace for the present.
I also believe that I can miss out on that grace if I am living in the past or the future. With God’s help, I am slowly learning to live in the grace that is given me for this very moment.
I cannot let myself start wondering about the grace that I may (or may not? Lord, help me) have during childbirth, the grace I hope I will have next time I am super nauseous while cooking dinner, the grace I will need to get through my next long day at work.
Some days are a tremendous battle, but, by the grace of God, I keep steering myself away from living in the future and towards savoring this very moment.
this very moment, where I am safe, warm, and alive, with a little miracle growing in my tummy. this very moment, where my husband is cooking dinner and the dogs are barking at someone walking by outside. this very moment, where I am covered by the blood of Christ, eternally safe no matter what.
God IS — he is and was and will be — in the past, in the present, and in the future. I am slowly finding that I encounter and experience Him when I focus on living where I am, right now, in this very moment. The only way I can get through this life with my sanity intact is to be where I am. It is a worthwhile disciple that I am choosing to implement, bit by bit, when the what-if’s begin to sabotage my joy and peace.
You are. There is grace for this very moment.
May this thought bless you the way it blesses me.